I get sidetracked often (as you can tell by the frequency and then dropoff of my posts). When I started this blog, it was meant to be a space where I could talk about how Zara and I were cooking together (instead of killing each other haha) the daily grind, a good (or bad) recipe experience, eatery, blog post whatever as it related to cooking or child rearing (read: alcoholic beverage), even the occasional recipe review or edible science project or craft. That was fun. It started as a way for Z and I to connect after I quit my full time job to be a full time mommy. A way for me to meet other like minded foodies or mommies who may share a similar passion for cooking, or eating, or drinking or, well the list is endless really. And it was FUN to blog. I looked forward to it! My pictures were definitely awful but they got better. But then, maybe the inevitable happened. I got complacent. I felt like I had to blog, and the recipes had to be different, and great and it became a chore to post. So I didn’t do it as often. I lost my patience more with Z. I lost a bit of myself. I stopped doing things that fulfilled me, to do things that excited her. I thought I was doing it to be a good mom. And then I went through a baby craze. and it wasn’t pretty. But I did have another baby, and I started to realize that I really didn’t remember who I was anymore. Am I a mother? Yes. But I wasn’t always that way. There were questions that used to keep me up at night, songs I used to sing at the top of my lungs to, often while having crazy dance parties with Z. I used to like myself. I used to not be afraid of what people thought of me. Of how I dressed or what crazy academically inclined ridiculousness would spout from my mouth.
Yesterday Zara asked what I did for my job. I turned the question on its head. I didn’t like her response. I’m realizing that part of being a good mother is to NOT lose myself. To let her know I’m not just a product of them. To actively teach her through my passions, and to find them again. I love this blog, I love cooking with my kids, I even like staying home with my kids. But that’s not all of me.
Yes, this is a personal post, yes, some of you may be turned off by this. But I think on identifying this in myself, I make myself available to others who are like me. We were raised to be smart women, who contribute, who climb corporate or other ladders, who stand up for themselves and their beliefs. I know I have dissolved into pinterest mania. Into identity crisis bullshit mode. into terror. Into too scared to make a change mode.
Roar. It’s time to make a difference AND a change.